Arranged Marriage
Dating's misunderstood alternativeby Sayma Chowdhury
It is asked why the attendance at Jarvis dances is so low. One reason that can be offered is that dances involve dating, a concept that may not be very popular among many Jarvis students.
It is a familiar sight when one sees jaws dropping at the notion of arranged marriages. “How do you marry someone you hardly know?” is the predictable
question asked by the dumbfounded teenagers, who have known the western method of dating as the only way to meet the "one." “Dating gives the couple a glimpse of what it would be like if they marry,” says Grade 12 Jarvis student, Sajai Yogeshwaran.Arranged marriage is often fallaciously defined as a loveless marriage, which the parents arrange without the opinion of the groom and bride who are practically blindfolded and dragged to the altar. This is the general western stereotype of arranged marriage, but in Asia it is a tradition.
Threre are indeed forced arranged marriages. In such situations, the parents choose the child’s future spouse with no input from the bride or groom and refusals are rare due to fear of being disowned or punished. These marriages are less common today, yet they seem to be engraved in western stereotypes, which illustrate an ignorance of other forms of arranged marriages. Here are a few examples:
There is the traditional arranged marriage, where parents choose the child’s spouse, but objections from the child are taken into account. The philosophy for this type of marriage is “parents know best.”
With the ideals of democracy reaching Asian countries, the practice of modern arranged marriage is more widely used. All potential proposals are considered with the choices of the bride or groom and after brief meetings between the prospective couple, they decide on whether to tie the knot.
Traditional families living in western countries opt for the modern arranged marriage with courtship, which is the same as the previous type except it is like courting in the early twentieth century, where you date only with the intention of marrying with the permission of the family members. Family members refers to extended family as well as parents; this is done to make sure they feel respected and valued.
Finally there is the fusion between dating and arranged marriage: the introduction only, where parents set their children up on blind dates and offer no further interference.
Those who are adjusting between the western values of their surrounding and the traditional ones of their immigrant
parents tend to opt for the modern arranged marriage with courtship. “Maybe if your parents propose a guy and give you time to get to know him better until you both make a decision, arranged marriage would be alright. Your decision should be respected and trusted, even if you refuse. Marrying someone you absolutely don’t know is just creepy,” says another Grade 12 Jarvisite, Munza Akhtar.Fourth year Ryerson student and soon-to-be bride, Tania Rahman, had been mercilessly criticized by her best friend Chantel Peston when she agreed to the proposal her parents brought to her. “I thought her mom threatened to drink poison or something if she didn’t agree, but to my surprise Tania willingly agreed. She’s good looking and smart. She can get her own man,” exclaims Peston.
Tania chooses to ignore her well-meaning friend with a simple smile. “My fiancé and I have been engaged for six months and that has given us plenty of time to get to know one another. I didn’t just agree to marry him when my parents showed me his photo. That would just show physical attraction. We met, and after a couple of dates we decided we were good for each other. Contrary to what my friend believes, I’m not sacrificing myself for my parents’ happiness. I am looking forward to my wedding, and the best part is when it is arranged the bride is not required to do any work, just give suggestions when asked. Let the moms have their share of fun and tension while I prepare myself at the spa for my impending wedding.”
From traditional views that tend to be conservative, “love marriages” are looked down upon. It is thought that dating is based on lustful reasons, where physical attributes are given more important and thus such methods are shallow. They are supported with the statistics that point out 58% of marriages in North America end up in divorce, 32% due to adultery.
In arranged marriages, the couple get to know and love one another over time, sharing their experiences, which is why spontaneity always exists. As Joane Truong, another Grade 12 Jarvis student puts it, “Arranged marriage is when you have to learn to love your spouse because you’re stuck with them.”
Pre-marital sex is considered a deadly sin as the body is believed to be connected with the soul and, thus, is reserved
for the soulmate, who you marry."Honestly, I have been born and brought up here and had every advantage of the western culture as an Indian Canadian, but it still confuses me at times with the hypocrisy," says Rita Sharma, a Toronto lawyer and mother of two. "Like for instance the bridal veil that is worn with the white gown is supposed to symbolize virginity, and yet pre-marital sex is so widely accepted. Arranged marriages are thought to be oppressive and uncivilized, yet I, like many others, am an educated professional who agreed to an arranged marriage to my husband of twenty-three years and we’re happy!"
Perhaps the hardest struck by conflicting western and traditional values are teenagers, who are caught between the two, due to their surroundings and families. While dating is considered important in high school, the consequences of being caught by unrelenting traditional parents can be as bad as being caught with beer and crack in one night.
In some Asian families, parents try to be more liberal and allow dating, but only if the date meets their expectations. Expectations for dates are identical to those set when hunting for prospective bride or groom: someone who has good family background (same as your own); bound to be a secure professional, preferably with dental plans; good looking; wears their pants at the waistline; is obedient and loving to their parents and all elders (the kind that gives up a seat in the bus to seniors); and who you know you will marry before even considering holding hands with. These expectations are hard to match, especially for high school students. “My parents are liberal, but I’m not sure to what extent because we have very contrasting ideas,” expresses Jarvisite Sathyan, also in Grade 12.
Of course, there is always the option of being a secretive Casanova. “I know at this point my parents won’t be willing to come to terms with my ideas so I just don’t feel the need to tell them whether I’m dating or not. But if I had to be serious, then I would tell them about my girlfriend…eventually,” says Yogeshwaran.
In a school where multiculturalism is so prominent, it can also be a source of conflicting perspective. While dating is promoted in the western culture, it may not be for students who belong to more traditional families. It is best to understand the beliefs of a another culture, even if one does not accept them. This allows one to broaden one’s mind instead of condemning an unfamiliar set of values.